How Much Does the Past Matter?

Some people are concerned about their significant other’s past and their number of partners.  Being insecure is not a good reason.  But here are some legitimate ones:

1) is it because they are insecure and need constant validation? Not someone I want to bother getting into a relationship with

2) People with lots of ONS have difficulty forming long term bonds (some study mentioned this). I’m looking for long term bonds.

3) Sex arguably means less to someone with a higher number. For example, if you’ve banged 1 person, and you’re dating someone who has banged 40, who is giving up more? The emotional implications here are real. It’s a big deal to you. It’s not a big deal to them. It is unbalanced. That makes me uncomfortable. YMMV.

4) Assuming they were flings/ONS, how many ONS do you need? Let me elaborate here. If someone had an ONS or two and decided they “didn’t like ONSs” as a result, that’s fine. But what if someone had 50 ONSs and then “decided they didn’t like ONSs.” Really? It took you 50 to come to that realization? In that case, it’s more likely that they don’t want to be judged that they’re telling you they “decided they didn’t like it.” I tried lima beans once. I didn’t like them. I tried them again a year later. Still gross. I’m not going to try them 50 more times in the course of two years because I’m not sure if I like them or not (I know that analogy isn’t exact, but it’s funny, so laugh)

5) Is it because they have an inextinguishable sexual appetite for new partners? Not someone I want to get into a relationship with.

6) Is it because they have poor judgement and thought each one was going to turn into a LTR and are just needy and will bang anyone who leads them on? Not a personality trait I want in an SO.

7) Do they “regret it?” Having lots of regrets may be indicative of poor impulse control or poor decision making. Everyone regrets some things. Regretting tons of stuff may mean you just suck at making decisions. Not a trait I want in a SO.

Just like women test men to see if we have backbones, I have my own tests for women. What is the nature of their character? Are they state chasing crazies? Can she control her spending? Can she control her temper? etc.

Of course there are exceptions to everything. Evaluate each situation individually.

Everything everyone has done is a reflection of their personality. Unlike with the stock market, when it comes to people past performance is the best indication of future performance. Do some people change? Sure. AK sounds like she has gotten to a better place in her life. If I was dating her I don’t think I’d worry about her banging random dudes.

Do I bet on most people changing? No. Especially not when they still show signs suggestive of their old ways.

btw, none of this is hypocritical. I fully expect women to judge me for the same stuff. If something in my past bothers you, don’t date me. It beats it always being an issue and building resentment. In fact, I would expect that, rather than a woman just dating me cuz I’m available and overlooking things that are dealbreakers to her. Have standards for yourself and others. It’s attractive.

Disclaimer: this is my opinion. There is no “right” or “wrong.” What’s important is that you and the person you’re dating are on the same page.